MODERNIZING THE CHURCH

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews.  It worked.  We got the front of the church filled first.

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has got to go."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"  The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi drive, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."  The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister.  "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.  "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.  This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin.  They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.  Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.  He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing!  I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished.  He stutters, "But how?  I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!  How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."  The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.  "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said.  "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.  We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative.  In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."  Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made.  Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.  "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.  "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.  "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.  "There's bad news?" the Pope asked.  Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

I've always been one to believe our Christian faith is the key to success in life. Never was that proven more clearly to me then the time I met up with an old friend. It had been many years since we'd known each other well, but I had never remembered seeing him so down and out. "How's life been treating you?" I said to him, genuinely concerned.

"Terribly," he replied. "My business has failed, my wife has left me for another man. If you want the truth, I can hardly stand to face the world every morning.

"Boy, that's terrible," I said, groping for the right words to encourage my old friend. "You know, I've always found that opening the Good Book and learning the promises of God have helped me when I'm feeling down." We talked for a little while longer, then parted cordially, but knowing we may never speak again, since it had been so long.

Well, you won't believe it, but three months later I saw this same old friend again, and it was unbelievable the transformation! He was dressed to the nines, was driving a Cadillac, and had a beautiful woman by his side. He saw me walking along, pulled his car over, and jumped out excitedly (startling me a little, I'll tell you!)

"You couldn't have been more right about that Good Book of yours. Why, I went home that day we last saw each other, pulled out that old Bible I'd gotten for confirmation when we were kids -- I hadn't read it in years! -- and the first thing I saw when I opened it up, why, it was like a light bursting into the darkness of my life! All that you see of me now I owe to that!"

Astounded, I had to exclaim, "Wow! That's fantastic! I have to know, what was it you turned to that caused such a miracle?"

"Well, I closed my eyes, opened it up at random, thrust my finger down on the page, opened my eyes and there it was: Chapter 11."

A little boy in Sunday School was giving his teacher fits when she finally grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him until his teeth rattled. She said, "Boy, I think the Devil's got a hold on you!" He replied, "I think so too!"

Three preachers were discussing how they could go about dividing the Sunday offering. The first preacher said, "Well, I just throw all the money up in the air and what lands on the altar is God's and the rest I spend as needed for the church." The second preacher said, "I do the same thing, but catch God's money in the offering plate and the rest in mine. The third preacher said, "I throw the money in the air, too. But I figure what God need's he will take while it 's up there."