Please send any comments, suggestions, or church related humor
here. |
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The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first. The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony." "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?" "Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has got to go." |
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AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only
during the homily CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams JONAH: The original "Jaws" story JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus
because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew |
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to a church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." |
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in Church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in Church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." |
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mamma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!" |
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LETTERS TO GOD FROM KIDS IN CCD Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, |
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SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY
"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside" |
THE ETHNIC JESUS
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN |
Man had grown so intelligent that they had found the cure for cancer, solved world hunger, and even successfully cloned man, so a council of scientists gathered together. They decided that man no longer needed God. They elected one of their number to give God the news. This delegate went to God and explained to him that since man had cured cancer, solved world hunger, and even cloned man, they no longer needed God's aid. God should therefore retire. God looked at the scientist and suggested a contest to see if man really could do without God. The scientist said he was willing. God suggested that the contest be to create a man. The scientist readily agreed and began to set up his lab. God stopped him and explained that man had to be created the way he had created Adam. The scientist said that would not be a problem and bent down to pick up some dirt. God stopped him and told him to go get his own dirt. |
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi drive, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." |
Paul! Hey, Paul! Bingo doesn't count as church attendance, does it? |
I've always been one to believe our Christian faith is the key to success in life. Never was that proven more clearly to me then the time I met up with an old friend. It had been many years since we'd known each other well, but I had never remembered seeing him so down and out. "How's life been treating you?" I said to him, genuinely concerned. "Terribly," he replied. "My business has failed, my wife has left me for another man. If you want the truth, I can hardly stand to face the world every morning. "Boy, that's terrible," I said, groping for the right words to encourage my old friend. "You know, I've always found that opening the Good Book and learning the promises of God have helped me when I'm feeling down." We talked for a little while longer, then parted cordially, but knowing we may never speak again, since it had been so long. Well, you won't believe it, but three months later I saw this same old friend again, and it was unbelievable the transformation! He was dressed to the nines, was driving a Cadillac, and had a beautiful woman by his side. He saw me walking along, pulled his car over, and jumped out excitedly (startling me a little, I'll tell you!) "You couldn't have been more right about that Good Book of yours. Why, I went home that day we last saw each other, pulled out that old Bible I'd gotten for confirmation when we were kids -- I hadn't read it in years! -- and the first thing I saw when I opened it up, why, it was like a light bursting into the darkness of my life! All that you see of me now I owe to that!" Astounded, I had to exclaim, "Wow! That's fantastic! I have to know, what was it you turned to that caused such a miracle?" "Well, I closed my eyes, opened it up at random, thrust my finger down on the page, opened my eyes and there it was: Chapter 11." |
A little boy in Sunday School was giving his teacher fits when she finally grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him until his teeth rattled. She said, "Boy, I think the Devil's got a hold on you!" He replied, "I think so too!" |
Three preachers were discussing how they could go about dividing the Sunday offering. The first preacher said, "Well, I just throw all the money up in the air and what lands on the altar is God's and the rest I spend as needed for the church." The second preacher said, "I do the same thing, but catch God's money in the offering plate and the rest in mine. The third preacher said, "I throw the money in the air, too. But I figure what God need's he will take while it 's up there." |