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Modernizing the Church Birthday Suit Entering Heaven Programmer's Contest
Catholic Dictionary Signs on Church Property The Pope's Golf Game An Old Friend
Quiet in Church Letters to God Devil Teacher Three Preachers
Watch Out For Those Ushers The Ethnic Jesus The Need for God

MODERNIZING THE CHURCH

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews.  It worked.  We got the front of the church filled first.

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has got to go."

CATHOLIC DICTIONARY

AMEN:  The only part of a prayer that everyone knows

BULLETIN:  1.  Parish information, read only during the homily
                     2.  Catholic air conditioning
                     3.  Your receipt for attending Mass

CHOIR:  A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync

HOLY WATER:  A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY

HYMN:  A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range

RECESSIONAL HYMN:  The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left

INCENSE:  Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:  An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams

JONAH:  The original "Jaws" story

JUSTICE:  When kids have kids of their own

KYRIE ELEISON:  The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava

MAGI:  The most famous trio to attend a baby shower

MANGER:  1.  Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
                   2.   The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough

PEW:  A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches

PROCESSION:  The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats

RECESSIONAL:  The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot

RELICS:  People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand

TEN COMMANDMENTS:  The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman

USHERS:  The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to a church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in Church.  Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in Church."

"Why?  Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.  Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mamma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!"

LETTERS TO GOD FROM KIDS IN CCD

Dear God,
Did you mean for the pig to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed in Church.  Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
Please send me a pony.  I never asked for anything before.  You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.  There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.  It works with my brother.
Larry

SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY

"Free Trip to Heaven.  Details Inside"
"Try Our Sundays.  Better than Baskin-Robbins"
"No God, No Peace.  Know God, Know Peace"
"Searching for a new look?  Have your faith lifted here"
"Come in and pray today.  Beat the Christmas rush!"
"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking?"
"Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to Church"
"In the dark?  Follow the Son"
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.  Follow the shepherd"

THE ETHNIC JESUS

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and
His Mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus.
He was bilingual.
He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother."
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moment's notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

Man had grown so intelligent that they had found the cure for cancer, solved world hunger, and even successfully cloned man, so a council of scientists gathered together.  They decided that man no longer needed God.  They elected one of their number to give God the news.

This delegate went to God and explained to him that since man had cured cancer, solved world hunger, and even cloned man, they no longer needed God's aid.  God should therefore retire.

God looked at the scientist and suggested a contest to see if man really could do without God.

The scientist said he was willing.

God suggested that the contest be to create a man.  The scientist readily agreed and began to set up his lab.  God stopped him and explained that man had to be created the way he had created Adam.  The scientist said that would not be a problem and bent down to pick up some dirt.

God stopped him and told him to go get his own dirt.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"  The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi drive, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."  The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister.  "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.  "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.  This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin.  They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.  Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.  He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing!  I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished.  He stutters, "But how?  I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!  How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."  The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.  "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said.  "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.  We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative.  In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."  Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made.  Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.  "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.  "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.  "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  I must have been inspired from above.  My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.  "There's bad news?" the Pope asked.  Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Paul! Hey, Paul!  Bingo doesn't count as church attendance, does it?

 

I've always been one to believe our Christian faith is the key to success in life. Never was that proven more clearly to me then the time I met up with an old friend. It had been many years since we'd known each other well, but I had never remembered seeing him so down and out. "How's life been treating you?" I said to him, genuinely concerned.

"Terribly," he replied. "My business has failed, my wife has left me for another man. If you want the truth, I can hardly stand to face the world every morning.

"Boy, that's terrible," I said, groping for the right words to encourage my old friend. "You know, I've always found that opening the Good Book and learning the promises of God have helped me when I'm feeling down." We talked for a little while longer, then parted cordially, but knowing we may never speak again, since it had been so long.

Well, you won't believe it, but three months later I saw this same old friend again, and it was unbelievable the transformation! He was dressed to the nines, was driving a Cadillac, and had a beautiful woman by his side. He saw me walking along, pulled his car over, and jumped out excitedly (startling me a little, I'll tell you!)

"You couldn't have been more right about that Good Book of yours. Why, I went home that day we last saw each other, pulled out that old Bible I'd gotten for confirmation when we were kids -- I hadn't read it in years! -- and the first thing I saw when I opened it up, why, it was like a light bursting into the darkness of my life! All that you see of me now I owe to that!"

Astounded, I had to exclaim, "Wow! That's fantastic! I have to know, what was it you turned to that caused such a miracle?"

"Well, I closed my eyes, opened it up at random, thrust my finger down on the page, opened my eyes and there it was: Chapter 11."

A little boy in Sunday School was giving his teacher fits when she finally grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him until his teeth rattled. She said, "Boy, I think the Devil's got a hold on you!" He replied, "I think so too!"

Three preachers were discussing how they could go about dividing the Sunday offering. The first preacher said, "Well, I just throw all the money up in the air and what lands on the altar is God's and the rest I spend as needed for the church." The second preacher said, "I do the same thing, but catch God's money in the offering plate and the rest in mine. The third preacher said, "I throw the money in the air, too. But I figure what God need's he will take while it 's up there."

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